I had to implement the
No Cry Sleep Solution back with Liv since her nights have got so bad.
In an ideal world I wouldn't have to worry about her
night time seperation
anxiety getting to her. I would love to be co-
sleeping still, but with my husband and I both being poor sleepers we were actually disturbing Liv too much a night. So the next best thing for me would be to hsve her crib in my room, but my room in way too small for that. So we are stuck with her in her own room and having to work through seperation anxiety.
Many parents books say go in, check on them, if nothing is wrong let them cry and they will stop. As some one who as
panic attacks and anxiety I could never let my paniced daughter just scream and cry. I know how horrible anxiety feels, like your heart is going to jump from your chest, like you might sufficate, like the world is spinning out of control. I can not let her go through that alone.
When she first started to have these night wakenings she was very paniced, shaking and screaming. I would immediately go to her, pick her up and
rock her or nurse her back to sleep. This is also the first phase in the NCSS. We already have used her plan before so some of the other pre-steps we already have. Liv sleeps with a snoedel
that I wore to make it smell like me. She also sleeps with a Seahorse that plays soothing music.
We also have key words.
Next after about 2 weeks of doing this Liv was still waking a lot, but not as paniced so I felt it was time to go on the phase 2. This involves not picking her up, but using soothing pats to get her back to sleep, while she is still in her crib. We have been doing this now for about 2 weeks and are moving on to phase 3. Phase 3 is comfort with out pick ups. This does not work to well for Liv so I modified it for her. That is one of the things I love about the NCSS. It is not a strict program that you must follow to a tee. You have flexability so you are able to do what feels right to you.
This, to me, is what is wrong with most Cry It Out programs. There is no flexabilty. You must follow the program, no matter what, or they claim it will not work right. No matter how hard or long your child cries you either check on them at timed intervals (Feber Method) or just leave them to cry alone (extinction method).
Our modification of phase 3 goes like this, when Liv stands up and goes to the side of her crib and cries out for me I immediately go in and first check to see if anything is wrong. If not I lay her on her belly or side (she is over 1year) put on her seahorse, tell her its night-nights and leave the room. I leave the door open and the door to my bedroom is open. The doors are right across for each other so she can peak into my bedroom. Then if she continues to cry I wait a min or so. How long I wait depends on how she is crying. If she is wailing I go right back in. Then I repeat. Since she has been
weaned to this gently this whole process so far as not lasted more then 10 min, usually closer to 5. With the
Ferber method she would have been left to cry the whole time. With this method, yes there is some crying, but I reassure her, give her some love with a hug or some words and let her know that momma is here in something is wrong, but right now you just need to sleep. At anytime she is too upset I stop the "training" and either nurse her, rock her or bring her in bed with me. This is a huge no-no in other methods. But I use my momma instincts to guide the way of getting her to sleep. Also if she is just whinning I leave her be, unless she stands up. For Liv that is her "I need you"
One good point Pantley makes in her book that
children do make noises in there sleep. Sometimes they even cry, so give them an minute to resettle themselves and see if they really need you. This is why I love having a
video monitor. When Liv cries I usually check it first. If she is not standing she usually cries out, grabs her pacifer or she snoedel and is right back asleep.
This way takes a lot longer then sleep training. I have been doing this for weeks now when most sleep training books say it takes several nights or so to get results. But to me I could not take hours of her crying. It doesn't feel right and it just hurts me so I can't imagine how Liv must feel. This was she is eased into sleeping right and I am seeing good results.
As a parent I feel much more comfortable with this method then any cry it out method. I also just feel that it would not work well with my child. She is stubborn at this young age. I feel she would cry forever till I gave her some attention.
And really what is wrong with giving you child attention when they cry? No contrary to popular belief that it will not spoil your child or teach them to cry for attention, as long as you child is getting positive attention. It will teach them that my mom and dad care, and will respond to my needs, love me uncondionally and help them be more secure and independent in the future
Okay? A simple word I found myself saying daily. It was either "can you clean this mess up?" or "we are going to bed now okay?"
Why am I giving my kids the option, why am I okaying? them. Why I am checking with them and asking them when there really is nothing to be asked.
I feel into this trap once before, right around the time Liv was Eve's age now. And with Eve starting the terrible 2s I started reading parenting books for some inspiration, some ideas and to hopefully help and find ways to limit her tantrums.
Right away I realized I was doing it again. I feel back into the okay? is it okay if I discipline you? The ambivalence with adding okay? or can you? to my statements must be so confusing to a toddler.
"she said okay? or can you, well I don't feel like so no I can't" is what is often probably going through her head.
Why did I fall in this trap again?
I read this once years ago and it was like an epiphany to what my parent skills were lacking. Overall I think I'm a pretty good parent, but I have this problem with commanding authority over my kids. But I know I'm not the only one. This is so common today in parenting and I wonder why.
I have no problems with my kids questioning me, I'm not for blind obedience to authority figures (google the Milgram experiment to see one huge reason why) but I do want obedience. I want my kids to respect authority, to be responsible and respectful to me as their mom. But I got back in this wishy-washy discipline and believe me my kids noticed and took advantage.
Its so hard all the mixed messages our kids see and hear daily I don't want my parenting to be another. Yet as parents many have a hard time correcting our children.
Is it our own problem with authority? we are the authority and that is strange or difficult for us to grasp.
Is it our need to be friends with our children?
Is it our need to protect them from hurt and pain?
All of this backfires, our children can be our friends, but we are parents first. We can not protect them from all pain and discomfort, nor should we. We need to expose them so they can deal when they are out "in the real world" The will be inept and not ready if we don't start at home. Exposing them to small trials and tribulations. This will help our children succeed in life, be happy and productive. Isn't that what every parent wants for their kids?
Okay? will not get them there.
When I opened my most recent parenting book and read this again recently I realize, I'm doing that, again. My own past problems with discipline and authority were again hurting me to be an effective parent.
It was amazing the difference in one day of saying "I need you to clean that mess" instead of "can you clean that mess" They listened, no arguments. When Eve did argue she did eventually come around, without a major tantrum. Her tantrums have gone down significantly. This is a great relief to all of us since her tantrums are often epic. The world is overwhelming enough for a toddler, it must be such a great relief for her to know that Momma is in control and Momma is here and a secure figure for her to lean on and rely on.
Being a parent isn't supposed to always be easy and fun and okay? is something I need to remind myself not to do. I am a strong, confident woman and need to be a strong confident parent for my girls. This will inturn help them become strong in who they are and confident and secure with themselves.
